Have You Ever Loved Me?
by Simply Kim
Summary: Then they told me you came back to Kanagawa. I couldn't believe it at first. we made a pact before... That when you come back, I would surely be the first to know. But that was six years ago...


TITLE:  Have You Ever Loved Me? 

BY: **Simply Kim **

GENRE: **Yaoi (one-Shot) **

CAST: Sendoh x Rukawa 

SYNOPSIS:  **Then they told me you came back to Kanagawa. I couldn't believe it at first… we made a pact before… That when you come back, I would surely be the first to know… But that was six years ago… **

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**HAVE YOU EVER LOVED ME?**

            It had been some time since I last saw you.

            Hell, it's been almost six years…. 

            Six long and grueling years without seeing your beautiful face…. your ready smile… your powerful form…. your expressive eyes….

            Then they told me you came back to Kanagawa.

            I couldn't believe it at first…. we made a pact before….

            That when you come back, I would surely be the first to know.

            But that was six years ago….

            Six long years of waiting fore your return… feeling empty… feeling so utterly alone that it even extended to me being hospitalized for trying to take away my life…

            Six years….

            Six….

            Years….

            Maybe it is my fault…. 

            I shouldn't have expected much.

            It broke me back then…. six years ago, we had something special between us… one thing that I thought would last forever….

            How stupid of me to actually think that.

            Sometimes I think back at our last days before you went abroad….

            We were walking by the beach, hand in hand. Peace was definitely settling between us… but this was a certain kind of peace that made me uneasy deep inside as you turned to me with a sad smile. Can I still consider it peace then?

            "Will you wait for me, Kaede-kun?" You asked, squeezing my hand. "It'll only be for six months…."

            "I will." I answered sincerely, letting my lips curve up in a somewhat sad smile that mirrored your own. "I will definitely wait for you."

            Six months you said….

            Six months that turned into six hurtfully long years….

            Six long years of falling apart…. of heartbreaking memories that gradually faded into nothingness in my eyes, but still tucked away in a chamber of my overworked mind…

            I missed you, do you know that?

            It's funny though…. me the Ice King, actually MISSING SOMEONE?! Gods, heaven must be falling! I knew it when I was backhanded by the redheaded do'ahou TWO WEEKS after you went away….

            Hn. 

            Of course, I told him off. Some best friend he turned out to be…. that slap was rather painful…. I got back at him anyway, so it didn't matter anymore. 

            Sakuragi Hanamichi…. he is indeed my best friend. He helped me get through the pain of you going away…. without calls…. without letters…. or even the cheesy postcards that sells for a dollar and a half each…. 

            He went out of his way to befriend me after discovering that you didn't come back after six months…. when I was out of myself as I was rushed to the nearest hospital when I tried to shove a broken piece of glass up my already pale wrist…. 

He soothed away my pain….

            Hell, he even asked me to double date with him and Haruko-chan whom he managed to snare after two years of patient wooing. 

Well, I wasn't alone and acting like a damned third wheel…. they set me up for a date…. with Haruko's rather beautiful, yet shy friend, Fuji. We enjoyed the night…. and I, surprisingly, enjoyed Fuji's company. She'll make a wonderful girlfriend in the following days, I'm sure… after all the admiring stares cast by Youhei-san, I wouldn't be too inaccurate if he would ask her out this week….

            New friends…. they lessened the pain….

            But they never replaced the feeling of having you near me…. the feeling that was replaced by an endless void when you broke your promise… the void that is now replaced by the feeling of loneliness when I discovered that you're finally here – from your best friend, Koshino-san….

            You're back…. 

            Finally I can see you again….

            But how can I, when your family sold your house before you went away with them? What am I to do? Do I have to seek out every hotel that I can find in the directory and ask if a certain Sendoh Akira checked in their lot?

            Maybe I would do that….

            Or maybe I won't….

            I'm really confused about all of this…. 

            For the couple of years that we had been going out…. I had never even known what you really felt for me. I told you that I love you, and I distinctly remembered asking you if you loved me too….

Hell, I thought I was the one with the "Tied Tongue Syndrome" and not you…. 

            It's either you smile the type of smile that I think really weird, or you drape an arm across my shoulders and change the subject none too subtly….

            Like you don't want to say them to me….

            Like you don't really love me….

            Maybe I was just expecting too much from you….

            Maybe you were not ready then….

            Maybe you never will be.

            I laugh, or at least I try to laugh.

            It's hard to laugh when your body is not responding to what your brain is telling it to do. 

            Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you that I'm in the same hospital I was taken in six years ago…. for the same reasons…. 

            Yup, I tried it again…. you know, shoving a shard of glass up my already pale wrist – except that it was paler than the last time…. probably because of the pills I had taken in when I discovered your return three days ago…. I hardly slept since that discovery…

            You haven't even called….

            There I go again… expecting too much from you….

            I know you aren't ready for all the tête-à-tête when it comes to establishing lasting relationships….

            Maybe you never will be….

            I wasn't proud of what I did before…. heh, me trying to kill myself and all… well, it's not because I think what I did was stupidity….

            No, not that reason….

            Probably because of the fact that I didn't succeed in killing myself.

            Sometimes I really hate that ahou for finding me. If he didn't, then I wouldn't have gone through the tough ordeals that I just experienced a couple of hours ago….

            I hate doing things twice.

            But this time I think I finally succeeded…. not that I'm already dead, but because of the fact that I'm feeling this intense pain inside my body….

            As if a huge ball of fire wanted to be let out of my innards….

            Like I was about to give birth to a full-pledged octopus….

            Heh, I like making jokes about me tripping it out with friendly Death…. Hell, I wanted to see him too… would he have a long scythe and would his face be comprised of a thick cracked skull with decaying muscles sticking every which way, or would he have your face inscribed on his?

            I'm probably considering the second one, because I seem to be giving Death the male gender, calling him a "Him"….

            No, it's not like you're a killer literally…. it's just that….

            I want to die for you….

            Insane isn't it?

            Who in his right mind would die for someone else? 

            I punished myself because I want to spare you the pain….

            I don't want you to feel suffocated when I start to ask you the forbidden question again if I'm left alive….

            I don't want to force you to say things and do things that I know you don't want to say of do….

            Because I love you….

            I did it because I love you too much….

            And maybe because of the selfish reason of avoiding the pain your rejection would cause…. the pain when you never will say the three words that I most wanted to hear….

            I love you.

            Was it too hard to say?

            I love you….

            I love you..

            I love you.

            I'm feeling light…. weird…. wait….

            Why can I see myself lying on the hospital bed?

            Why's everyone around me crying? 

            Haruko-chan? Do'ahou? Miyagi-sempai? Ayako-neechan? Kogure-sempai? Mitsui-sempai? Fuji-chan? And who's that standing by the door?

            ….

            A-Akira….

            Sendoh Akira is standing at the door. 

            He came after all…. I thought he forgot about me…. 

            Akira…. my beloved Akira…. Welcome home…. 

            I went over to him and tried to hold him in my arms….

            But all I felt was air….

            What the – !

            What's happening?

            I tried touching them…. I couldn't….

            "Kitsune…. teme…. why did you do this? Why do you have to leave us like this?" Sakuragi's distinct voice echoed in the already forlorn room.

            Leave? But I haven't gone anywhere! Wait a minute….

            Am I dead?

            Understanding dawned on me.

I. Am. Dead.

            I finally succeeded…. 

            And I felt so proud of myself….

            Looking over to Akira… I feel a sense of jubilance…. "I saved you!" I wanted to shout…. no more '"I love you"s!

            I saw him drop the object he carried in his hand as he saw everyone crying their eyes out. I knew he was shocked…. it was laced with disbelief….

            "Kaede-chan?" He said hoarsely as he moved towards the bed. All turned to stare at him, and Sakuragi's walked over to him and punched him on the jaw – hard.

            "IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT BAKERO!" Tears streaked his cheeks and his face was red with anger. "IT'S YOUR FAULT THAT HE DIED!"

            Fortunately, and much to my relief, Haruko calmed him down by laying a trembling hand on his forearm. 

            Akira just stood there, not caring even if the huge bruise he had on his cheek was getting worse by the minute. His eyes…. they were on me….

            Or rather, what used to be me.

            He knelt down and touched my pallid face. I could almost feel the warmth in them… heh, I'm imagining things again…. I'm already dead….

            "Kaede-chan?" He whispered. "I'm sorry…. please…. w-wake up…. don't leave me…. please…." He sniffled, wiping the continuously flowing tears from his skin. 

            "You left him first baka." Sakuragi hissed.

            "Sakuragi!" Ayako shushed him tearfully. "Let him be."

            Akira stroked my cheek…. 

            "Kaede-chan…. I'm sorry…. I…. I'm sorry…." He whispered, his tears dropping and wetting the red lips I once had – which were by now turning a dark shade of blue. "I never meant to stay longer…. I should have called…. I should have…. but…. my parents, they learned that I was…. and I couldn't call, because they didn't want me…. I was under probation…."

            Ah, so that was the reason…. is that valid enough? Probably for him it isn't, that's why he's apologizing so sincerely, but for me…. 

            Just seeing him again made up for the fact that he didn't fight for me strongly enough…. 

            And I thought he was stronger than I am.

            "I escaped from them Kaede-chan…." He whispered hoarsely, his words laced with keening cries that made me want to hold him…. But I couldn't. "I wanted to surprise you…. and here I am…."

            "I – I" He murmured as his mouth hovered over my earthly body's lips, finally settling on them in a soft farewell kiss. "I didn't know I was the one in for the surprise…. I'm sorry…. forgive me…. Kaede…."

            I forgive you Akira….

            Don't cry anymore….

            Onegai….

            I forgive you….

            I….

            I love you….

            "Kaede-chan…." He said, closing his tired eyes. "I didn't know how to tell you this before…. I didn't have the courage…."

            Tell me?

            What could it be?

            Akira…. tell me….

            "Kaede-chan…. Ai…." He whispered to my body's ear as he held my limp form in his arms. "Ai Shiteru"

            He said it…. he finally said it!

            Oh, Akira…. finally….

            Finally….

            I love you….

            Heaven knows how much I love you….

            And you loved me back all these years….

            My love hadn't been in vain after all….

            But it caused pain didn't it? Oh, God…. I failed after all…. 

            Gomen for that Akira….

            But, all that matter is I love me and you love me too right?

            Finally….

            I could just die from the joy of hearing it…. from the feel of the words rushing through my senses….

            But wait….

            How can I die….

            I'm already dead.


End file.
